I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
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When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
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At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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