College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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