Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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