Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you didnt know i had herpes?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Hippo gnu deer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize