I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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