I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
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So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
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No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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