I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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