I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
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remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
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Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Never underestimate the power of titties
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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