I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
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When did angry sex become our thing?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
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Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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