I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
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Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
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I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize