She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
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he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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