If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
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I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
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Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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