We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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