I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
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when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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