if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
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