She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
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the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
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Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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