Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
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I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
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Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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