I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
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I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
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Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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