Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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