Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
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SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
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Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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