You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
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I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
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I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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