just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize