Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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