Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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