I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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