new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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