last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
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She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
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I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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