It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
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I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
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