hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
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Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
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If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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