I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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