Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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