i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
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He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
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We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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