He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
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Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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