i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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