I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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