I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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