i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
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I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
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Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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