My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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