My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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