I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
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I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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