I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
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You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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