In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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