i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
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The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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