my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I enjoy the company of your penis
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize