I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
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As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
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I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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