I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
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I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
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You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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