I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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