i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
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THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
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I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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