Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize