And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize